Discussing Finances with your Partner
When you feel you or your partner are resistant to talking about money, it’s essential to approach the topic thoughtfully and respectfully. Here's a guide using Nonviolent Communication (NVC) to approach and ask for the conversation:
Nonviolent Communication Framework:
I notice X: State the observation without judgment.
I feel X: Express your feelings related to the observation.
I need X: Identify your needs that relate to your feelings.
Can you X?: Make a clear, respectful request.
Example:
I notice we haven't discussed our budget in a while.
I feel anxious about our financial planning.
I need clarity and agreement on our spending and saving goals.
Can you set aside some time to talk about this?
Scheduling the Conversation
Create an Open Atmosphere: Ensure the environment is relaxed and non-threatening.
Set a Time: Choose a time when both of you are in a good headspace.
Preparation: Use worksheets or tools to outline key points and structure the discussion.
Example: "Let's talk in two days when we're both free and relaxed."
Starting the Conversation
Set Expectations: Establish that the conversation should be collaborative.
Recognize each other’s tendencies in hard conversations, such as becoming defensive, shutting down, or people-pleasing.
Recognizing one's defensiveness
noticing when you feel the urge to justify, deny, or counteract feedback or perceived criticism, often accompanied by feelings of irritation or discomfort.
Recognizing and Addressing Shut Down and People-Pleasing Tells
Verbal cues: “I am not interested in suggestions.” “Nothing is going to work.”
Physical cues: Feeling small/compact, wrapping arms around yourself, crossing legs, slumping over.
Signs of People-Pleasing:
Extra affectionate behavior.
Going along with their ideas without genuine agreement.
Internal thoughts: “I am unsure of what I want and don’t know how to articulate my needs.”
Strategies to Stay Present
Identify the Pattern: Acknowledge your behavior, e.g., “I notice I’m doing X.”
Take a Break: Calm your body and check in with your emotions and needs.
Collaborative Curiosity: Explore patterns together and understand each other's perspectives.
Discuss Goals: Share individual and shared financial goals.
Action Plan: Create clear steps for managing bills, savings, and other financial matters.
Set Expectations: Define roles and expectations for shared finances.
Explore Reasons: Understand why you have the patterns you do, considering trauma, habits, etc.
Maintaining the Dialogue
Approach the conversation with empathy and openness.
Use “I” statements often.
Regularly check in on each other’s feelings and needs.
Adjust plans and expectations as necessary, keeping communication lines open.
By following these steps, you can create a safe and productive environment for discussing finances with your partner, ensuring both of your needs and concerns are addressed.
