CONSENT: when is consent enthusiastic, and when is it not consent?
As a society we have been talking more about consent, and often times the lack of consent. This relates to all areas of life but holds particular importance in the realm of sex and intimacy. Many people, particularly those who were raised as female, have experienced sex as something that is expected of them, an obligation if you will, rather than something to be enjoyed and desired.
What I notice happen for many couples, especially those in long term relationships, is that often times they forget to get that enthusiastic consent from their partners. How many of you have assumed that intercourse will happen after date night, or a back rub means more than just a back rub? What this does is that it highlights the end result, usually intercourse, and doesn’t pay heed to the building of arousal, what each person feels is most pleasurable, and feeling desired by your partner.
Sex can feel like an obligation when a person is forcibly pressured to have sex and not asked if they want to. It can feel like something outside of their power when someone is unconscious or under the influence of drugs or alcohol. And it can feel like pressure when a person’s long-term partner gets angry or pouts when they are turned down. None of these scenarios gives space for the joy and pleasure that sex can be, which can make a person’s desire plumet, and their relationship feel more tense and disconnected.
To reiterate, sex is non-consensual when…
· When a person says “no.”
· When there is an absence of “no.”
· A “yes” is given when a person is intoxicated
· When a person is asleep
· When nothing is said
· When a person is asked repeatedly until they concede.
What makes this topic difficult for many, is that we talk a lot about what is not consensual, and not enough about what is consensual. I bet many of you in long term relationships can tell when your partner is not fully present or is maybe just being intimate to get it over with. Enthusiastic consent can work wonders within the context of intimacy. Getting enthusiastic consent means that you definitely know that they want to be there and want to do the activities you’ve suggested. This also brings collaboration and equity into the relationship, in that you can talk openly and directly about the things you desire, how far you want to take your intimacy, and any boundaries that you or your partner might have. This can help build trust within your relationship, which can enhance your ability to give and receive pleasure with your partner.
For any act to be consensual there must be a presence of a “yes.” Here are ways to get Enthusiastic consent:
· A person’s “yes” must not be pressured at all. I.e., it is freely given.
· A person’s “yes” is ongoing, which means it happens throughout any given experience before moving on to the next step.
· A person’s “yes” can be withdrawn at any time, and the reaction to the withdrawn consent, should not be anger, frustration, resentment, or stonewalling.
· A person’s “yes” is also specific to the act.
Here are a few phrases to demonstrate your own desires, while checking in with your partner to see if they may be open to something more physically affectionate, sensual, or sexual.
· “Would you mind if I kissed you right now?”
· “Is it ok if I give you a hug?”
· “I’d like to hold your hand, would that be okay?”
· “I’m feeling really turned on kissing you, would you like to move this to the bedroom?”
· “Do you like the way I am touching you?”
· “Would you like me to touch you here…?”
So, if you feel like your relationship has gotten to a point where sex feels like an obligation or there is pressure to have sex or be intimate in a way that you do not want to be, then it may not be consensual. There are many ways to address this issue, in order to bring more agency and pleasure into the bedroom.
Do you and/or your partner need support in this area? Click here to schedule a free consultation with Natasha.
